Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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