My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
