So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
