were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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