Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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