I am puke
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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