hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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