after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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