So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My penis needs a shock collar
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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