your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
