Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.