The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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