I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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