i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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