You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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