This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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