K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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