You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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