Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
