She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A bitchslap is in order.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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