Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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