lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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