Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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