I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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