i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
