It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
