Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize