Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
