I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
