I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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