party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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