I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
