just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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