She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
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He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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