I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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