I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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