Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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