there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
