FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
