PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
