just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
