He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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