She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
