I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
