Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
