Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
