You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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