What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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