I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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