if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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