There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
