woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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