She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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