Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
